Time to turn the page

Holiday season 2020.

This is the toughest holiday season I’ve had in the 53 years I’ve been on this planet.   It’s illogical and irrational, but I feel like I have no family –like I lost my kids and it makes me incredibly sad. Terribly despondent.   Horribly unhappy.  Magnificently morose.  I don’t like this.

I have 3 kids near me in the state I’m in and my oldest is in 12 hours away in New England with my one grandchild.

I don’t know what they really think of me as their father, I don’t know if I want to know.  As a father I’ve always thought I did a good job in spite of my wife- soon to be ex wife- being a crazy alcoholic, I always thought I took care of the kids pretty well.   Yet as time goes on I look back and I know that’s not the case; or is it me just 2nd guessing myself.  I don’t think the answer to that question can ever be known.   I could straight out talk with them about it but I really don’t think I ever will I am too afraid to hear things I don’t want to hear.  That is very frustrating

My oldest and I haven’t talked in a while,  no bad blood between us but I haven’t talked to him since there was an episode this summer –which I think might have damaged the  relationship with all my kids– but it might in no way be related because hes just busy busy.   My middle son is married and spends a lot of time with his wife’s family

I do feel slighted and wish he would make more of an effort to communicate with me.  My youngest son just moved to a new state about 2 hours away and bought his 1st house– which is awesome!  His girlfriend however does not get along with anyone in our family– her political views are 180゚ from ours and she’s just a very rude person.  She started out well  and soured over the years they’ve been dating.  Her mother says that’s just how she is, she’s actually been written out of her mother’s will –which is quite substantial because of how she’s treated her mom.   I don’t think I’ll see him this holiday season at all, that makes me sad because it will be the 1st holiday season I have not seen my son since he was born…. My daughter still lives with me ( 2 of us in a 4 bedroom 2600 sq. ft. house lol).   She just started a relationship with her 1st real boyfriend –they’ve been going out a few months and he seems like a really nice boy.   She is spending more and more time with him which is awesome–  sometimes I enjoy my alone time, sometimes I hate it and crave the craziness of 6 people in a household -kids playing little league, softball and soccer.  Piles of clothes and dishes, friends coming over, driving them all over, worrying once they had their licenses, the bustle of kids.  Gone.  I have 4 children and one grandchild And I wish we were all together geographically and emotionally. I feel like there is a great separation between us and this is not what I signed up for 28 years ago when our family began.  I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I question whether I would even begin a family and have children if I could go back and do it all over again; because this really stinks.  I know it’s good, natural and normal that they grow up and move out but this is not the way it should be or could be. What happened between me and their mother has really destroyed a lot of what I hoped I would have as a relationship with my kids as they grew up and began their own lives. I hate this I really, really hate this.

Some days I go to a dark, dark place. Some days I spend the whole day there.

I need need need to grab ahold of my mind and change my thought process. be thankful that I do have good relationships with my kids– we don’t not get along. It’s just not what I wanted it to be. When I go to that dark place- I need to be a good Baptist boy- and be thankful for what I have & stop thinking about what could have been, what might have been, what should have been and be thankful and work on what I have and where I am because that’s the reality. And to continue to focus on the other possibilities is maddening, absolutely maddening.

Spaghetti Sam and I (on the way home from another fabulous weekend together) are going through some of the same emotional turbulence as our kids get older. I am very, very thankful because Sam (best girlfriend/partner ever) has brought megablastoise loads of stability to my life- an evolved feeling of happiness and a shiny aura of hope!!! That—- THAT is what I have to focus on, that’s what I have to build on….

Happy holidays! Happy Thanksgiving!  Merry Christmas!!!

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